How Is It Being Back?

"How is it being back?"

EVERYONE on God's green earth keeps asking me how it is to be back at work.

This is quite a silly question, don't you think?  I know people are genuinely trying to show concern, and I appreciate that.  I really do.  I am at work, reading blogs busting my tail to earn our household income, while my husband is the lucky one who gets to stay at home, and be the responsible, loving caregiver my daughter deserves.

What I wouldn't give to stay home.  I say this now - I honestly didn't think I would enjoy my time home on maternity leave as much as I did.  Although, most days I was starving for something to do other than change diapers.  Ah, I guess the grass is always greener, isn't it?  I suppose an ideal situation for me would be to work from home part of the week, and go into the office for the rest.  I am still working on seeing if this is a possibility for me.  Of course, when work gets busy (aka, January through April) I don't think this will be too realistic.  But during the rest of the year, I could make this work.  I think my bosses would be far more receptive to the idea if I had more of my own clients.  Which I am working on.  But I have found this to be incredibly hard, especially working in such a niche industry.

Every day this week, I have woken up at 2 or 3 am to do the night feeding with Naomi.  She goes to sleep fairly early each night (sometime between 8 and 9), and gets a good six hours of sleep.  Getting back to sleep after that middle of the night feeding has been hit or miss, but last night, as soon as she laid down, she was out.  It was me that couldn't sleep, my circadian rhythm blown to shit.  I usually wake up around 6:30 to get myself ready and out the door by 7:45.  Usually, there is another feeding somewhere in there, and I hand the wee babe off to the Hubs.  I have found myself lingering at the door with my purse and keys in hand, getting increasingly jealous as the two of them smile and make faces at each other.  It's brutal.

Work itself isn't bad.  We're in a little bit of a lull between jobs, waiting for clients, that type of thing, so thankfully, it hasn't been too demanding for my first week back.  The worst part, by far, is heading to the ladies room several times a day to pump my little heart out.  It's just another reminder that I am not at home.  While stuck in the stupid bathroom, I think about all the awesome things I could teach her, or how we could go out for walks, or visit my Grandmother (her Great-Grandmother!).  Instead, I have to learn to let go of my control-freak tendencies, and let the Hubs take the wheel on this one.  I know that just because I am at work doesn't mean that I will won't get the opportunity to do these things with her, I just want it all.  Which I know is completely unrealistic. 

At the end of the day, I come home, and I can't take off my jacket or put down my purse fast enough.  Once I give the "hello, I missed you!" kisses, it's a mad dash to sweatpants so I can hang out with the baby I've missed all day.  Some of the time, I am bummed because I feel like it takes Naomi a little while to warm up to me and remember who I am - she doesn't want to look at me, but will look over at her daddy with great big smiles.  I try not to get very upset, because it really is best that she has the opportunity to stay with him, as opposed to being in a childcare facility, I just want it to be me. 

I really need to start exercising too - the poor body image has really been messing with my head, and that's not fun either.  I know that getting back in shape will help me tons, restoring my confidence and self worth.  Not to mention give me more energy, and just make me feel good (I really miss excercising).  I feel guilty thinking about going on a run - isn't this time I should be spending with my little girl, especially since I haven't been around all day?  Like I said, I want it all - to be successful in my career and on top of things, to have my pre-baby body that I was incredibly proud of, and of course, to be able to fully embrace my new role as mother.

Things will get back to normal.  I will accept the fact that I do have to go to work every day and leave her behind.  I will get myself in shape and feel good about myself again.  I will be an incredible and inspiring mother, dispite the fact that I work.  I know all these things will happen.  And I know it will take time.

I just want it all now.