I'm Back (Where I've Been, and What's Up)

I want to start off by saying (1) my blog didn't go private, so you didn't miss anything.  No worries there.  I have just been completely MIA, out of it.  And (2) I want to apologize.  I have started every accountant's favorite time of year, Tax Season.  I have been working and traveling a lot.  I have found internet access to be somewhat of a luxury in the places I have been.  When I haven't been working, I have been exhausted.  At first I thought it was because I was working long hours, eatting crappy because the food on the road isn't exactly gourmet or full of healthy choices.   It turns out, I am pregnant.  I know.  This is exciting.  Why am I not typinf in ALL CAPS, or using more exclaimation points and jumping up and down excstatically?  Let me catch you up and explain my lack of perceived excitement.

Before I start, I want to let you know that no one is really privy to this news.  I haven't shared with many people, and I don't intend to for a while.  Basically, please don't go telling anyone I know.  And don't talk to me about it in public.  I am still freakishly paranoid, and you'll have to forgive me for that.  Also, I told the Hubs I haven't told anyone.  This is where I need all my friends to lie for me so my husband doesn't think I am a complete lunatic (too late).

So, looking back at my calendar.  January 4th was CD 27 for me.  I don't know when I received the call about my progesterone levels, but on that day they were 23.5.  According to my RE, this means I had ovulated - dispite any confusion from the two ultrasounds.  Other than exhaustion, I didn't have any symptoms really.  Although, I did note in my calendar that my breasts were extremely sore on the day of the progesterone draw.  Interesting.

I tried not to look too much into my symptoms.  They were erratic, and nothing like what they were the past last time I was pregnant.  Everyone who has dealt with this infertility thing knows that symptoms are meant to be overanalyzed.  To an excessive extent.  So I tried NOT to do that.  Last time, I was so exhausted, I slept every chance I got, came home from work, directly into pajamas and into bed.  There was no time for eating, and I don't think I minded so much, since I was so sick.  I threw up everything I ate.  Starting before I even got a positive pregnancy test.  Like, violent, Exorcist-style vomiting. That was a pretty tell tale symptom.

In January, I wasn't nearly as exhausted as I thought I would be, and I didn't seem to have any problems holding down food.  None at all.  Naturally, I didn't assume I was pregnant because my syptoms were non existent, compared to last time.  I waited until CD 32 to test.  January 9th, I must have peed on about 10 sticks.  I have learned that you never really trust those ones with the two lines, so why do you even buy them?  Always rely on digital.  Everything else just fucks with your mind.

Monday, January 11, I went in for a beta: 225.  I went in Wednesday, January 13, exactly 48 hours later, and my beta was 516.  Your betas are supposed double (or at least be very close) every 48 hours.  So, now we have appropriate doubling.  With my last pregnancy, my betas started at 25, went up to 100, then to 120, and then floundered around some more before going up again, then flatlining.  Anyway, last time, they were low, and erratic (and definetly not doubling they way they were supposed to). 

At this point, I was panicking a little.  I had no symptoms, but I was pregnant (I trusted the beta more than the peeing on a stick....it's done in a lab...that's got to be scientific, right?)  I have basically been holding my breath for the past month.  It's not that I refused to beleive it, it's just that I was too scared shitless. Do I allow myself to get excited, only to have this ripped away from me once again?  I decided not to jinx anything (yes, I know this is a ridiculous mindset.  I don't care) by not talking about it, not writing about it, and not really thinking about it (but don't worry, I stopped drinking, haven't had a delicious club sandwich, or non-pasturized soft cheeses since).  I scheduled an ultrasound with the RE's office.  Unfortunately, due to my work travel and the doctor's schedule, we were unable to work something out until YESTERDAY.  YES.   YESTERDAY.  ONE MONTH AWAY. 

Now, all normal people that get pregnant usually have to wait this same amount of time, if not longer to go to their OB.  People seeing an RE are different.  We are an obsessed people, who need constant updatings on the happenings of our reproductive organs.  So back off.  I had about 1,355,325,516,392 heart attacks waiting for this appointment.  I almost had another heart attack when they called me on Sunday and asked if they could move the appointment from 9:00 am to 10:40 am. I mean, of course I am going to say yes (as if I had a choice! If the doc is not there, he's not there!), but GIVE ME A BREAK!  Yesterday, Hubs and I went to the RE's office, and everything looks fine.  He seemed confident (I guess that's a good thing).  We saw our baby, and it's precious little heart beat.  And to be honest, I still don't beleive it.  I am super excited.  But I am super reserved about my excitement this time around.  The doctor also dated me a little differently.  Based on my calculations, I should be at 9w tomorrow.  The doctor put me at 7.5w, and attributed the difference to later ovulation.  Which is fine.  But it's also what makes me super nervous.  Last time, my doctor (different doctor) said it looked like I was measuring earlier than where I thought I should be.  I am no doctor.  And last time I had a gut feeling that it was all going down the shitter once I heard that news.  And it did.  Now, I don't have that feeling this time, but I can't help but be incredibly skeptical given my past situation. 

So, hopefully, you understand my lack of perceived excitement.  It has taken every ounce of remaining energy to not worry myself to death, and overthink this whole thing.  I am so excited.  I am grateful, I am thankful, I am blessed, and I am incredibly lucky.  I can't help but hold my breath.  And I may hold my breath until I actually have a baby in my arms.  And now you're going to tell me to relax and stay positive, and beleive me, I am really trying to.  Cautious, but positive.  We're working on relaxed. 

And here are some answers to some questions I am sure you're asking:  I feel fine.  I didn't start getting nauseous until this past weekend.  It seems to go away with delicious sugary treats.  Funny how that works.  I have had aversions to meat, and prefer fruit to any food, especially citrus.  My sense of smell is becoming something of a superpower.  That is a mixed blessing.  I am still working a whole lot, and still exhausted.  My weekends pretty much revolve around my new position as Grand Royal Mayor of Sofa City, plus any work I can manage to take home.  I go see the OB tomorrow, so that should be another interesting experience.  My RE said to stop the Metformin, but if my OB suggests I continue it until the end of the first trimester, he's OK with that (conflicting information from doctors is the best).  I calculate 9/16 for a due date.  The RE calculates 9/26.  It's all just a crap shoot anyway.   We don't plan on telling anyone publicly until at least March (that is an AGE away).  We are undecided about finding out the sex.

What did I do differently with this cycle, other than Femara?  I was on the max dose of Femara.  Lots of pineapple (for the bromine?) and POM juice.  I didn't subscribe to the theories that you eat this on these days or anything like that.  I actually genuinely like these two things, so I used this cycle as an excuse to buy them (that large jug of POM juice is like $100!  Not really, more like $10, but still...it's juice, not unicorn blood or anything).  I didn't do acupuncture or any other traditional Chinese medicine.  I didn't do ovulation predictors, since I was going to the RE practically every other day anyway.  I took my Metformin and a prenatal vitamin in the morning, and again in the evening, adding a DHA supplement, and B complex (because I am just a nicer person when I am on that).

So that's my story about where I have been and what's been up.  Please forgive me for being out of the loop.  It's a funny thing - when you tell everyone about everything that's going on, you don't really know how to dodge questions when you're not quite ready to answer.  For those of you still trying - you're in my thoughts and prayers, and I am still pulling for you and I hope you'll still consider reading.  Thanks so much to all of you for bearing with me, and continuing to check back here even though I have been a bad blogger.  :)