The End (of 2009), and Poor Me

Not the end of this blog, phew.  I know you're relieved. 

The end of 2009.  I am OVER it.  It wasn't a wonderful year for me, and I am anxious to have a new start.  I have these grand visions of having all these resolutions and rules about how I am playing things differently in 2010, but in all honesty, I can't handle more disappointment.  On any front. 

My mother has been off visiting her sisters and brothers way down south.  She told me yesterday that my aunt has tried another round of IVF.  My aunt is actually younger than I am, and it's a twisted family tree.  My uncle is only two years older than me, and his wife is three or four years younger than me.  They have a beautiful baby boy, the result of their first successful IVF.  So, my aunt's IVF - she tested positive, but there was no heartbeat - and she's scheduled for a D&C today, actually.  Right now, I am torn between feeling awful for her - no one should have to deal with that, and I can understand the feelings of loss she must be having.  I am also incredibly jealous, and I know that's not a "normal" or "justified" emotion here.  She has a darling baby boy already - and he's just so cute and smart, and full of delicious baby fat and blond hair.   I am going to pull out that grade-school chant that I have been so fond of over the last few years, "it's just not fair."  For her, or for me.

There  have been great things this year too.  One of my best friends, Buttons, learned yesterday that she will be welcoming triplet boys in May.  I haven't said anything about it on here until now because I didn't want to "out" her.  But, I saw you post on Facebook, Buttons, so, you're OUT! :)  I know Buttons and her husband will be the best parents - especially to these little boys - and I know that they are so happy about this.  I couldn't be more thrilled for her and her husband, but I can't help that it's another kick in the ovaries.

Other great things this year - One of my other best friends, Lust, is newly engaged.  I am so very excited for her.  She is really going to plan a spectacular wedding, and I can't wait.  She's very fashion forward and stylish, so it should be just beautiful.  But still, I find myself using her potential wedding date - October of 2010 - as a marker, thinking I WILL be pregnant by then.  But I know it's setting myself up for failure.  Again.

In 2009, I decided to think out of the box.  I tried acupuncture.  Not just on a fertility front, but to help all around with anxiety that was affecting my everyday life.  I went weekly for quite some time.  Until after one failed cycle, when my acupuncturist told me that I didn't have to come back.  I don't think I blogged about this.  I was "fired" from acupuncture.  I haven't been back since, and I am not sure how I feel about that.  I know it made me feel better, but was that because it actually worked, or just because I was paying $75 a visit, and kept telling myself it worked?

This past year was clearly the year that was defined by my inability to have a baby.  I started the year unsure about my situation and where I stood.  I found out I was pregnant, and then shortly thereafter, no longer pregnant.  I have had way too many doctor's appointments, blood draws, rising and falling beta numbers, tests, and of course, tears. 

I am also discovering, with the help of my cousin, CM, that I am constantly disappointed in people.  Not because I dislike people.  I tend to expect the best from them, and I am so disappointed when that doesn't happen - when there's no thank you, or something like that.  It goes along with feelings of underappreciation and feeling left out.  I guess that is something I need to work on in the coming year as well.

I feel like I should apologize for being so whiney and full of complaints.  With the end of the year comes reflection, and that's just been a total bitch.  If I could gloss over this whole bit, that would be great.  So, Sorry for being all whiney and attention-whorey.

I am hoping 2010 will be much different.  I don't have any idea of how I am going to manage that, but I know I have to.   I am excited for this year to be over.  I have to be a little more cheerful, I have three new little friends to help Buttons out with, and a wedding to attend!